I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize