god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
