your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
