The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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