For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
