i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
