You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
