I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just had sex on a roof
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize