Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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