I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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