I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
