i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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