I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
