I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
