everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Who died my cat blue again?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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