the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
