she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
