I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
