guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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