i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
