Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
