btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
