would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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