Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
