Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
