stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
