Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
