Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
