It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize