it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
