Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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