i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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