i think my tv is drunk
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
