just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
