My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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