what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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