i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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