you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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