Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
