I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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