if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
