Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
