I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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