Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i dont even know how to be here
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
