I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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