My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
