Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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