ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
