i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
