She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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