we have pet lesbian snakes
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
