so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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