Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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