Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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