Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
