last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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