Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
