I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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