also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
