I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
