In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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