I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
