They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize