Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
